Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
