About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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