the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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