you traded sex for a burrito?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
