Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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