On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
