cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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