so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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