He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
