whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
