Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
