how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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