sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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