I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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