pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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