I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
