I wish I only lived at night.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
