Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
When did angry sex become our thing?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
