D3 body, D1 cock
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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