He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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