Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
