In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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