I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
