things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
