I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
