Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
