Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
