Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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