I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
