My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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