he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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