The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You are the jesus of drinking
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
