Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
