So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
