If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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