And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
