I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
