I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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