My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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