You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
