he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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