WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
