I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
