I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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