My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
