Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
