i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
