Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
