He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
