I feel great
I just peed on a car
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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