the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
