If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
