please come you make the beer taste better
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
