Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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