perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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