GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
