i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
