If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
