any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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