i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
